Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag