me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
