Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

buys donuts instead