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i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Bruh
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them