Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces