Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”