“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You Might Also Like
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
