My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.