*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
