Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.