Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Have kids, they said

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

consequences, the bane of my existence

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??