Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

reduce, reuse, recycle