Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling