A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”