Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

british sex workers really pound for pound

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Think I pulled my liver

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.