I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas