What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face