I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”