Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.