Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.