Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Check out the legs on this baby

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

This is amazing.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.