Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
see next tweet for some translations
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.