Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

U talkin 2 me?

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Nice try Hitler

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven