Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab