Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.