Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

is there nothing we can trust anymore

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first