Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.