Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know