My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
