Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
This is my cat’s medicine.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets