me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*performs CPR on the turkey*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.