Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time