Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT