Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.