CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I’d … I’d rather not.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Meat Cute
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
