Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Me, reading some of your tweets

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
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