Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

what do you want!!!!!!!!

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.