cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
You Might Also Like
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Thursday
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.