12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?