Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

This is I, Robot all over again

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.