Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Me My dog

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work