7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m giving up ice.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Chicken bread
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.