Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt