Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

just having fun

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.