Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it