Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
You Might Also Like
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.