Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention