Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face