There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Just so funny
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school