Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist