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What’s so funny?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
(True)
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.